there is so much life in this smile

The strange familiarity. The old jokes. The heartbeats. The something in the air when he’s close. At that moment, I believe in it. It makes me feel good and I enjoy. I see the potential. Yet, there is something awkward about the good-byes. And there is everything awkward about how we don’t feel free to contact each other at random times. So we mostly don’t.

And we don’t, and at the times we don’t, I can barely recall what it was I had believed in. I see everything in a different light. I think of how good I felt and the way he made me laugh, and all I see is a rerun of something of questionable value. I no longer see any reason why I should be bothered to make any effort whatsoever.

It’s somewhat fascinating, the different shades. But it makes me wonder.. which feeling should I trust? Which is more real than the other, which is more of an illusion? Perhaps all of this is true… And the dilemma is only an indicator of being in the middle of turning the page. Letting go. Getting over.

But I still haven’t taken a side. And I don’t have an urge to do that, I’m going where the streams are taking me. Going with the flow is more interesting than putting yourself in boxes.